Advantages.

Lots of people ask me how long I have been fibromyalgic. It might sound like a simple question, but it's actually surprisingly difficult to answer. Looking back, I see that I have had it all my life. When I was a child, if I fell over and twisted my ankle it would hurt like I'd broken it. Not just the hyperbole of a small child; it really was agonising. I also remember walking back from school - about a mile - would have all my limbs aching painfully. And standing for the duration of Remembrance Day service would cause my feet, legs and back to sear with pain. But when you're a child and full of energy, you don't realise that the pain you are experiencing is not what everyone else is feeling.

When I was 18, I worked as a travel rep in Switzerland. I had a scooter accident, which was very nearly fatal. For some unknown reason, I bounced. I survived with bumps, bruises, cuts, grazes and a really sluggish feel that I just couldn't seem to shake. I also sustained some brain damage, which resulted in dyslexia - a crisis for an avid reader and writer - but not much else so far as I can tell.

Graced with my new-found sluggishness and dyslexia, I carried on with the plan I had for my life. I took a gap year. I did some amazing things. I only nearly died one more time (asthma vs walk-in fridge). I went to University, and was loving studying and doing well for myself. Then I went home for Christmas, my Dad and brother caught a stomach bug, and as an emitophobic I gave myself a panic attack fearing that I too would be inhabited by the bug. That was it. I crashed, and didn't ever return to normality.

In the early years, I found that I would get a summer time remission that would leave me almost back to normal over the warmest months, and crashing each winter. But each summer the remissions would offer less improvement, and the winters became harder and harder.

So there are many answers to the question "how long have you been fibromyalgic?", and you can take your pick as to which one you like best. In hindsight, I think I always have been, and it has simply been a steady descent since childhood. Things have become harder, slower and more painful as the years have passed. And despite only being 28 years old, I feel like many, many years have passed. Fibromyalgia is a cruel mistress, and it can be exceptionally hard on even the strongest-willed amongst us.

However, I was reminded this morning of the fact that fibromyalgia does have some advantages, and you have to learn to take them when you can.

When I was about 12, I remember lying on the sofa during my little brother's birthday party. At that age, presumably 4 or 5, he would have been too young to understand anything other than the fact that I was "ill" with a "tummy ache". In reality I had yet another period so painful I could barely stand.

By the time I was about 14 or 15, these had gotten to the stage where I wasn't able to sit, stand, or lie down without excruciating pain. Looking back, I think this was due to the hypersensitivity to pain that is one of the main characteristics of my condition. But the fact of the matter was that I was still young and had no idea how to cope with that kind of pain. I remember lying on my bed one day, after what felt like hours of agony, and my Mum calling the Doctor for help. I wound up taking as much mefenamic acid as is allowable, combined with paracetamol. This combination seemed to cause memory loss for me, and each month I would "lose" 36 hours while I was doped up to the eyeballs. I was eventually moved over to the contraceptive pill to ease the pain.

For years I combined the contraceptive pill with paracetamol, supported with the occasional dose of mefenamic acid when the pain became too bad. Around the age of 20 I was diagnosed as allergic to dairy produce (that's what caused the asthma attack that nearly killed me), and had to be taken off of the pill due to its lactose content. I was given the jab (and later the implant) to stop my periods altogether. It was bliss.

For those of you who know me now, you will have noticed that I have some weight issues. Given that they started around the time I switched to the jab, I decided to come off of hormone-based contraception altogether about 18 months ago. I was not looking forward to my periods coming back, as I had been told that I should expect the pain levels to be similar to what they were before I started taking the pill - at least until I had a baby. And, I guess, they are. It's just hard to tell.

Yes, I still have that ache across my abdomen. Yes, I still have the shooting pains. Yes, I still have the queasiness, the weakness, the disorientation, the painful boobs and all of the other rubbish that goes with periods. But I don't really care any more. Fibromyalgia is so painful that the once crippling period pains now seem very minor. But because it is constant rather than once a month, I have been able to get used to it.

So yes, for all of the horror that comes with the chronic pain, I try to look for the small advantages. And one is that my pain threshold has gone through the roof. When everything hurts, all day, every day, you DO get used to it. Not enough to be able to ignore it, but enough to be able to cope with some of the facts of life a little better.

And I like to take my wins wherever I can. No matter how small they may be.

TMI.

Oh dear.

My blogging skills really have been abysmal recently, and for that I apologise. I have a list of excuses as long as my arm, but ultimately it all boils down to one thing. Fibromyalgia got in the way. Again.

The last few months have been incredibly hard work (the winter always is, as any chronic pain sufferer will tell you) and I have barely had the wherewithal needed to read blog posts, let alone write them. I'd also been considering moving my blog to Wordpress as so many people dislike commenting on Blogger posts. We'll ignore the fact that I like Blogger for making posts - I have too much desire to make other people happy to consider what works best for me. Anyway, after receiving a comment on my last blog post (from last year *hangs head in shame*) I realised that if people want to comment on my Blogger blog then they will find a way.

And, goshdarnit, I like Blogger.

So now that I've made that decision, there is no excuse to stave off blogging more regularly than I have achieved earlier in this year. Except for laziness, but I'm working on that. This means that I should really get my act together and start blogging, whether I feel inspired to write a huge long explanation of how to find your perfect manicurist, whether I want to keep you up to date with developments in my business, or whether I simply feel the need to ramble about the new pair of shoes I bought for my sister-in-law's wedding. Okay, I'll spare you the latter, even though they are really, really impressive shoes.

The reason the post on my last blog post nudged me into action again (thank you Illy - I needed it!) was because she wanted to share with me an award.

This is the TMI award, given by bloggers who share every detail to bloggers who share every detail. The beautiful and lovely Ileandra Young chose to pass the award on to me because of the level of detail that I am willing to share with anyone who wants to know about what it is actually like to have a chronic pain condition, and the "grace" with which I handle a difficult subject. I'm not sure any fibromyalgic can really be considered graceful, but I'm happy to grab the compliment and run with it.

The rules of accepting the award are as follows:

1. Thank the person who presented you with the award.

2. Link back to the blogger who presented the award to you.

3. Share an awkward, intimate or embarrassing story in 250 words or less.

4. Copy and paste the blog award onto your blog.

5. Present the blog award to 5-10 deserving blogs.

6. Let them know they have been chosen by leaving a message at their blogs. 

Thank you again to Illy - a woman so lovely, loving and loved that I am always baffled by the fact that she has time for me. And in case you missed the hint earlier, her blog is here. Go visit her and tell her she looks nice today.

For some reason, the only answer to rule 3 that leaps to mind is what happened to me on holiday a couple of years ago. I was boating with my lovely husband, and although the pain was easing (as is the magic of boating) I was feeling tired from all of the fresh air. And then we got lost trying to find our way back from the pub where we'd had dinner, so by the time the boat was in sight I was well and truly devoid of energy. My legs were buckling, but I forced myself on valiantly. And as Robin stopped to open the flap and let us into the boat, my legs gave out altogether. I collapsed in a heap on the towpath, my entire body seizing up with pain. I didn't have the strength to twitch my fingers. Tears rolled down my face with the agony, and I concentrated every last ounce of strength into making sure I simply kept on breathing. At that moment, the man in the next boat emerged, heading off towards the elusive pub. He looked at me, barely conscious, lying on the towpath crying, and asked if I was okay. Robin told him it was a pre-existing condition, and he made a 'huh' noise, stepped over me, and walked off down the path. To this day I wonder what went through his mind as I lay there unable to speak or move out of his way. Had he realised that this is what chronic pain looks like at its worst, or did he just assume I was drunk and stupid? I guess I'll never know.

And this is where I run into trouble. I don't really follow that many blogs, preferring to read the odd post in most cases, and Ileandra's blog is the only one I can think of off the top of my head that really offers any scope for the TMI award. So I am going to do something a little cheeky and defer my sharing of the awards until I find someone truly deserving. And when I do, I shall share it with you. 

If I don't share TMI first.