Gone.

So, it appears that I haven't blogged since May. I've also fallen off of Twitter for a while. You may well ask where I have gone.

The truth of the matter is that I've retreated back into my illness. Not intentionally, of course, it just kind of happened. We have many theories as to why I have disappeared of late, ranging from weather to holidays (or lack of) to just plain overdoing it, but none of them are conclusive. I've just been... ill. Even if you've seen me in person, you will probably have still thought that I've disappeared. There's nothing like a few months of mental vacancy.

I've taken a period off in an attempt to do everything I can to get myself feeling better. I'm trying all sorts of new techniques, so I should have some good reviews once they start to take effect. In the meantime, blog posts and tweets will continue to be intermittent. Bear with me - normal service will be resumed as soon as normal health is!

Catharsis.

So, another long gap has formed in my blog posts. At least this time I have a valid excuse. I've had another crash.

I've been working up to this crash since last year, as I've been burning the candle at both ends and haven't taken enough time to rest and recover. If I were my own client, I'd be cross with me. So now I am on rest detail, and have been for several weeks now. I took a pitstop in my rest to go on holiday, but it turned out that even holiday was too much for me. So now I'm back on the sofa.

I've never been great at resting. It bores and frustrates me. I don't have the mindset for a chronic illness, and that is one of the biggest hurdles I face in my day to day life. So now I am on the hunt for cathartic activities. Blogging was supposed to achieve this, and it probably would if I could remember to do it from time to time. I've also started writing a book. Well, a couple of books really. But I used to write all the time, and I can't help thinking that being able to get the words out of my like I used to would really help. So once again, I turn to my blog for cathartic outlet.

I need to be less afraid to share what and who I am with those of you who are interested enough to read my blog. Sometimes I am worried that if I admit to the other facets of me, those of you who see me purely as a professional will suddenly think that perhaps you shouldn't be seeing me at all. But an important part of my rehabilitation process is to stop being the social chameleon, stop hiding parts of myself from other people, and just relax and not worry about what people think. No man is an island, and if I'm honest I am totally land-locked. I'm a faddy person, who likes to dabble in everything.

And you know what? I like me. So from now on, I invite you all to like me too. Not just the me who likes holistic therapy and bunnies, but the me who likes to dress up as a fairy and run round the Welsh countryside, the me who has a shameful addiction to Take Me Out, and the me who really loves the novels of Janet Evanovich.

And then, when you've decided whether you like me or not, why not decide whether you're ready to let other people like you, the whole you, and nothing but the real you.

Day 7.

Almost a week into the Cura Romana programme, and I'm starting to feel the shift. I have lost an astonishing 9lbs since the weekend (and the programme only offers up to 7lbs a week), although I did have a slight panic on Wednesday evening when (6lbs down) I had a wrestle with my favourite jeans as they refused to go over my bum. Having dropped two dress sizes and gained 4 stone over the last couple of years, I think that finally the invisible weight is trying to become more visible! That said, I have noticed my wobbly bit on my belly is retreating, and I'm no longer getting stuck on the rabbit gate every time I go through it.

The hunger was there on and off for about 2 and a half days before I realised that I am not actually experiencing hunger now, but more a craving for food. The very lovely Leslie Kenton, who personally mentors everyone who takes the Inner Circle programme, has established (with a few other symptoms) that I have an overgrowth of Candida. The "yeastie beasties" as she calls them are widely believed in alternative medicine to lead to fatigue and weight gain amongst other things, so there is a part of my brain that is still sitting slack-jawed thinking that all of this could be the result of a bad case of intestinal thrush. I don't know how, but I seem to have a definite knack for picking up gut parasites. (If you haven't heard the story of my dairy allergy, please let me know.)

I miss parts of my daily routine, such as not having breakfast. First thing in the morning is usually the only time I am hungry, so I've always eaten a good-sized breakfast. Passing over that feels like I'm missing out, although it is more from routine than hunger than I feel like this. I'm making do with the insoluble fibre and vitamin C combination that I am drinking each morning, and following it up with a cup of laxative tea to prevent my bowels from becoming sluggish on such a small diet. The danger here is that I am really starting to enjoy the laxative tea. I may have to get my husband to hide it somewhere away from me once I return to normal eating to avoid accidentally brewing a cup to enjoy the flavour without thinking through the consequences. Hey, I am a blonde.

I am still detoxing. I have sat on the sofa doing very little except for reading, watching TV, playing Minecraft on my computer and daydreaming. Mainly about being slim and healthy. It feels so wrong after the pacing and being housebound with illness, but my body is working so hard to purge itself of all the rubbish its been carrying around that it needs the rest. It will let me know when it is time to get up again. I am hoping it will be before my birthday though. The intense detox that I am experiencing is what has led to my unusually high weightloss. Most people who undertake the programme would lose less weight in the same space of time, but would also be free from the drowsiness, the bunged nose and the generally feeling a bit rubbish.

On the plus side, I have already noticed that I am getting fewer sharp pains from my fibromyalgia. I am still aching all over, and am still tired, but the improvement is definitely there. I also feel a bit more flexible, as if the stiffness from my muscles is easing away. I've even managed to take baths without the aid of my bathseat, which feels fantastic. Give it a couple more days and I feel sure I'll be able to touch my toes like I used to!

A few people have expressed an interest in Cura Romana after discovering how much weight I've lost with how much ease. Even with the detox taking place, I feel much better than I ever have on any diet I've done before. I have no hunger now, am eating tasty steak on a regular basis and even the disgusting-looking supplements are actually rather tasty. Compared to most diets, Cura Romana is easy. And the big selling factor for me is that they have a 98% success rate at keeping the weight off permanently. Most diets boast a 70% success rate at losing weight initially, but don't broadcast their statistics for long-term weightloss. The 2% who gain weight again after the programme usually did something wrong at some time during the process. So if you are serious about permanent weightloss and want some of the health benefits that Cura Romana offer over other diets, check out what they have to offer at http://www.lesliekentonhcg.com/ . There is a free download called 'Pounds and Inches' which is well worth a read, and you can book a free 15-minute consultation with Leslie Kenton. She is not into hard selling, so you won't feel obligated at all if you decide you'd like to have a chat with her.

Sorry it sounds so much like a sales pitch, but I am just so relieved to have found Cura Romana that I want to share it with everyone who wants to know!

Day 5.

This is now my third day on the Cura Romana hCG + Food Plan. I've been a bit hungry, which is not entirely uncommon, but no light-headedness or woozy feelings so I know my blood sugar hasn't plummeted. I've also been having some mighty detox effects, but given how toxic I was to begin with, that is also not a surprise. And if  suffering the effects for a couple of days now means that I will feel better, stronger and less toxic in the long run, then I am quite willing to deal with it!

A lot of people experience no hunger at all,except right before mealtimes,from Day1 of hCG+ Food Plan. I was not one of these lucky ones. Admittedly,the hunger I felt was very mild, and seemed to pass quite quickly when I had a rest or a drink. As the days are passing, I'm becoming more and more aware that what I am thinking of as hunger is actually a craving for food. Over the next three weeks, I am hoping to see an end to this pattern. I miss my breakfast routine, and my body is slightly baffled when it doesn't get its usual meal at this time. I will adjust to this too, in time. I had also known for a long time that I felt hunger when I was bored and often had a little graze to stave off this feeling. As the detox is taking effect I am feeling lazy and sad, and the boredom graze desire is constantly nagging at me. I'm trusting myself though, and trusting the system, and doing my best to ignore these urges. I haven't succumbed yet, and if I can make it through the first two days-the hardest two days- I know I can make it to the end.

Plus I've already lost 6lbs, and that's quite an incentive to keep going.

I am feeling sad and achy, bored and irritable, and all in all rather sorry for myself. Basically, I seem to have been transported back to the body of the teen I was when I started taking the contraceptive pill to control my period pains and first gave in to the world of weight gain. This is not a bad thing. If I have not been living my life to the fullest since then, why not start my Cura Romana journey from this point? After all, I have a gap of about 12 years to fill in, and it wouldn't be a bad idea to relive some of the experiences I've had during that time from a more balanced, mature and healthy perspective. I can't undo the things that I have done"wrong", nor would I want to for the most part, but I can revisit them and learn the lessons I may have missed the first time around, or simply look at them again and say "I see how I let that happen. Let's never get to that state again." Either way, I feel that this journey will have a lot to teach me.

Day 1.

My last post was about getting excited to start a weight loss programme called Cura Romana. After plenty of shopping to gather all of the supplies that can help me through the process, I finally pushed the start button yesterday. This meant that today is the day. I have now officially started.

It's quite a scary step. After all, part of the process involves a very low calorie diet and strict guidelines as to how those calories are made up. I've always belittled VLCDs such as LighterLife, as I think they are dangerous, and now I find myself not just starting on one but actually looking forward to it. Of course, there is something that makes this version safe, and that is the homoeopathic equivalent of hCG. Yes, that would be the pregnancy hormone.

Those who follow my blog because they are or know chronic pain and fatigue sufferers may have heard of the pregnancy remission. Basically, when the human body is pregnant, it is like a reboot button has been pressed. Chronic pain and fatigue seem to ebb away, and sufferers tend to get a new lease of life during pregnancy that lasts after childbirth. The hormone that causes this energetic reboot is called hCG, and Cura Romana came about when a scientist discovered that injecting hCG into non-pregnant subjects (including men) triggered the same reboot. Once the homoeopathic was discovered, the programme became viable to the greater public rather than just those who could afford to go to expensive clinics to have the injections regularly administered.

Basically, hCG causes fat to be released from storage. When you're not pregnant, this means that with a little protein, vitamin and mineral support you can actually live on the fat that is being released without feeling hungry. This is how Cura Romana works. Okay, there's actually a little more to it than that, but that's the basics.

So this morning I woke up and too my homoeopathic in spray form under my tongue. I usually start my day with a big swig of water, but I had to wait 15 minutes before I could put anything else in my mouth. This was uncomfortable. My mouth and throat felt dry and scratchy. I distracted myself by doing my morning weigh in. I don't now whether it's appropriate to share this with you or not, but in the interest of being completely open I weighed in at 19 stone 13lbs. That's 279lbs. More than Homer Simpson. Let's see where it is by the time I'm done with Cura Romana.

Day 1 of Cura Romana is called a Feast Day. As it takes a couple of days for the homoeopathic to become effective in the body, for the first two days you eat plenty of high quality, rich and fatty foods. This results in a slight weight gain over the first couple of days, but as the food isn't really stored but is quickly released by the homoeopathic it is usually gone within 48 hours of starting the Food Plan. By doing Feast Days, your body is functioning with all of the necessary fats, as well as being a psychologically pleasing start to a "diet".

This meant that breakfast today was sausages, bacon and naan bread. This is officially the best diet ever!

I did have to complement the tasty breakfast with some interesting digestive support though. I usually use a Polo to mask the foul taste of my medication. As all mints are completely no-go, I've now got two mint plants sitting on my windowsill. Whenever I feel myself reaching for a mint (and those of you who know me will know how often that happens) I now pick half a leaf of mint and chomp away. It tastes cleaner and fresher, and is more satisfying as I get to chomp away on it. I don't know why I didn't make the switch years ago.

I then had a bizarre concoction of 3g of vitamin C (yes, I know it's more than the body can absorb, but it's a funny old protocol and the rules are strict) mixed with 250ml of water and a rounded teaspoon of psyllium husks. When I was told psyllium husks were insoluble fibre, I wasn't expecting them to be as insoluble as they were. I tipped my spoonful into the water and watched it bob across the surface in an almost perfect spoonful shape. Even the hand blender seemed to have difficulty getting them to socialise with the water in any way. Still, down it all went, with a slightly lemony taste from the vitamin C that was not wholly unpleasant.

I then moved onto the laxative tea. Knowing how medicinal herbal teas usually taste, this was the part I was least looking forward to. But, again, it went down quickly and easily, and rather nice. Perhaps a little sweet for my tastes, but certainly better than I was expecting and not something I will dread for the rest of the protocol.

The other task I have for the morning of Day 1 is to think about what I want to achieve on the protocol. I have 3 goals, and they are all rather simple.

Goal 1: I want to lose weight. I want to shift about 9stone, and hopefully Cura Romana will help me to kickstart that. I'm not expecting to be a shapely 11stone by the end of the nine-week programme, but I want to be in a position to see myself realistically getting there without having to struggle and cry and starve myself to death on something like LighterLife.

Goal 2: I want to be rid of my aches, pains and fatigues. It sounds like a big ask, but if any protocol has the power to do it, Cura Romana does. Let's think big.

Goal 3: I want to reunite myself with my body. For a long time now I think I was so absent in my own head that my body just carried on doing the best it could without me. I'm looking forward to being able to connect with my body, and let it know that I want to help it, I want to exercise it, and I want to look after it. After all, it's been looking after me for a long time now.

I feel like I've achieved a good amount for a Saturday morning before lunch. Now I need to go and make sure I've got plenty of tasty food in to last me for the rest of the weekend.

Cura Romana.

Over the next few months, I hope that there will be more blog posts. However, I will be hijacking my own blog a little. I have been introduced to a process called Cura Romana, which is essentially a detox diet combined with a homoeopathic remedy that trigger weight loss, improved health and a sense of mental and emotional wellbeing. I am looking forward to it, as these are all things I desperately need, and I want to document the journey and share it with other people who are interested. To do this, I will simply blog regularly as I undergo the process.

I recently met a therapist named Shirley, from Transition Therapies (http://www.transitiontherapies.holisticlocal.co.uk/). We were chatting generally, and the subject of my weight and health issues came up. She recommended Cura Romana, having tried it successfully herself some time before, and lent me her copy of this book: http://www.amazon.co.uk/Cura-Romana-Weightloss-Plan/dp/0593066731/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1317813287&sr=8-2 . I very quickly felt that this was something that I needed to try, and now have my own copy. I have been saying for years that I feel like I just need to hit my reboot button, and this seems to be a protocol that will allow me to do this.

So after having a massive clear out and eBay frenzy, I have managed to get the money together to get started. Leslie Kenton offers a free consultation via her website (http://www.lesliekentonhcg.com/), and if you are interested in trying this for yourself you will find that she is a wonderfully positive, non-judgemental person, who takes the same attitude towards hard sell that I do. She doesn't want to just leech money out of people and make a quick buck; she wants to see people's lives transformed, and so will choose to help those for whom the protocol will be massively beneficial over those who seem to be faddy, yo-yo dieters. If you can only accept so many people onto your programme, you want to choose those who will provide the best success stories.

At this stage, I am a little nervous. The protocol allows so little food per day. How can I possibly not be hungry? And it is almost entirely successful, as long as you follow the protocol precisely - what happens if I make a mistake? What if I get ill? What if I can't manage it? What if I am away from home, and can't eat the appropriate food? There are so many worries going through my mind. But the feedback is universal from people who have tried it - you CAN do it. It is easy. It is considerably easier than you could possibly imagine.  And I am so ready to lose weight, lose pain and lose fatigue that I can be ready to make the other necessary lifestyle changes to ensure that I can make it work.

Now, if you will excuse me, I need to go buy some scales.

Boating.

I've just got back from a week's holiday. I feel all refreshed, after spending some time on the canals in a narrowboat. It's something we do about once a year, because it's so relaxing.

For anyone who hasn't been boating before, the premise is very simple. You board your boat, head off at up to 4mph (walking speed), and then when you reach a convenient spot you stop, moor up and spend your evening relaxing however you choose. For us, that is to cook a meal in the small galley, watch a DVD and then get an early night. For many other boaters, it is a great way to visit every pub within walking distance of a canal over the course of a week. Basically, it's a plusher form of camping with the tent carrying you between pitches rather than the other way around.

At the start of every holiday on the boat, I look down at the ladders to get in and out of the living area, and can't imagine how I'm going to manage the whole week. I wobble, I groan, I heave, and I manage to get back up onto the deck. I spend a couple of hours at the tiller, and then I start to feel relaxed, refreshed, and even a little bit more human than usual. I don't know what it is about the boat, but something manages to really ease my condition. It might be the slower pace of life that you experience when nothing happens faster than 4mph, it might be the extra sunlight I get as I sit outside all day, or it might be the fresh air. All I know is that by the end of the week, I'm leaping up and down the steps like a seasoned seadog.

As you can imagine, it is a very peaceful experience. If you take enough food with you and choose to stay on board and moor up in the middle of nowhere, you can pass a whole week without really colliding with non-canal civilisation once. You might pass roads and pubs, but they are gone just as quickly as they arrived.

I know that boating isn't for everyone, and that there are plenty of people physically worse off than me who aren't able to give it a try. I think the point I am trying to make, though, is that there are activities out there that look horrendously painful at first, yet seem to actually provide a sense of enormous relief if you persevere a little. For me, the benefits of a week on the boat each year definitely outweigh the initial pain of trying to manage the steps on the first couple of days. I have a special stool to allow me to sit at the tiller rather than try to stand, and I have a very helpful man who bends down to fix the ropes to the moorings in exchange for me tying the knots (I am a Girl Guide, after all!). My boating experience isn't entirely disability-free, but it does feel like a very 'normal' activity, harking back to my pre-accident days.

That said, narrowboats can be adapted for wheelchair users, so there's no reason why the physical limitations should be the be all and end all...